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Thursday, 15 January 2009
Just some random thoughts.
I'm sitting here thinking about my sudden increase in sex drive, so I figured I'd Google myself some information.
I liked this article. I have to admit, I like the guy's writing style.
But then I find this article, wherein it says that the "sexual peak" thing is just a myth. That it's just the woman becoming more comfortable with herself and her sexuality that moves things along.
The thing is, regardless of which one is true, it applies to me.
Pro-Sexual-Peak (for lack of a better term) articles will tell you that, on average, a woman hits her sexual peak anywhere between 30-40 years old. (I was thinking it was 35 - 40, not so much a broader age range). I'm 33. So yeah, that theory fits.
But as I said above, the Anti-Sexual-Peak information says that it's all about a woman being more comfortable with herself and throwing off the "sex = bad" or "sex = dirty" dichotomies we're brainwashed into believing when we're young.
But there's where I'm just a little... ehh. It partly fits. In the last 16 months or so, I have become a lot more accepting of and comfortable in my body. It has taken a lot of effort and some education on my part, but it has been such a wonderful change. And it had knock-on effects - good ones - that I just wasn't expecting.
But I have to admit that I'm still having issues with my sexuality. That's the whole point of this blog. I can't afford to go to a therapist (though, honestly? I would if I could), so this is kind of like one-sided talk therapy for me. Though it can morph into two-sided if anybody has any thoughts they'd like to share. :)
I'd love it if one day I could feel totally comfortable initiating and participating more fully in sex with my husband. Right now? It's only a dream.
That's one of the reasons I admire Curvaceous Dee. She is so comfortable with her lovers - or at least it seems that way - and knows exactly what she wants and how to get it.
I'd have to smoke or drink some really good shit before I could even come close to the level of assuredness that she has. At this point, anyway.
But I want to get there - without the use of chemical aids. I want to be able to actually do and say the kind of things that go through my head. I want to be free of the constraints that my own mind puts on me.
I've always wanted that, to be honest. This has been an issue in my marriage - and, truthfully, in every relationship I've had - for a long, long time. Because it's my issue, but it has a trickle-down effect on whomever I happen to be with.
(As an aside, I don't want it to sound like I'm all "poor me, I'm such a frigid bitch, this happened to me, that happened to me, I've had such a horrible life, oh noes."No.No, it's more this is how I am. I'm not happy with how I am. I know that X, Y, and Z have contributed to how I am, but I'm not sure I can pinpoint the hows. That's how I'd like to be (using Dee as an example). I'd like to go from this to that, and I'm trying to figure out how to do that.I just wanted to get that out of the way, because I don't always articulate myself as well as I think I do. [I write something, it looks good to me, but then somebody else reads it and doesn't get the point I'm trying to make - or worse, takes it completely the wrong way.]) Anyway... where was I? Oh yeah.
There have been times when the husband and I have been in the right place in our relationship to be able to talk about it. Unfortunately, sometimes due to external pressures (you know, like life), our relationship has its ups and downs and I don't always feel like I can talk to him about serious issues like that. Right now we're in one of those situations. Outside life isn't that great right about now (that's an understatement), and I don't feel like I could go to him wanting to talk about my sexuality and how its affected our sex life and have it result in anything more than him ignoring me or, worse, a fight.
(I mean, what do you do when you only have one person in your life that you could possibly talk to about these things and that person isn't emotionally available to you? You think up an anonymous name for yourself, start a blog, and start blathering on to anybody who'll take the time to read what you write. Maybe not the best solution, but a damn sight better than holding it all in until it explodes in some unhealthy manner, right?)
But it doesn't change the fact that I'm consumed by sexual thoughts. I've been masturbating every day. This morning, because I hadn't slept well last night, I went back to bed after dropping my two youngest children off at school. But I was so wet, and so horny, that I just had to masturbate first.
And yeah, I'm a one-woman slut; even my fantasies are only about him. So I lay there, fuelling my masturbation with fantasies of my husband... who was only 2 stories below me, sitting right here where I'm sitting now. If I was as comfortable with my sexuality as I'd LIKE to be, I might have been able to get him to come upstairs and give me the fucking I so desperately wanted. But because I'm not, I had to take matters into my own hands. Literally.
And I hate that. I feel like it shouldn't be happening; like it's wrong, somehow. But until I figure out exactly why I feel like this, what it is inside me that's holding me back, nothing's going to change.