Porn and Contradiction

It pains me to admit this, but I have a problem with porn.

Not in the abstract, just for me personally.

In the abstract, I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. I mean, a person who watches and reads rape-fantasy-type stuff and then goes out and DOES it... yeah, that person's got a problem. But the porn isn't the problem, and even taking that out of the equation isn't going to change the end result. But for the majority of the population, I don't see anything wrong with it.

But me? It makes me uncomfortable. And I'm not sure why.

The thing is, it only makes me uncomfortable in certain situations. Specifically with The Husband. Hell, even particularly raunchy scenes in movies make me uncomfortable when I'm with him. I can't even look at the screen if we're both watching together. (Example: the early scenes in From Dusk 'Till Dawn where the strippers are actually, you know, stripping. As opposed to trying to suck the life out of their customers.)

But if I'm alone? Nope, they don't bother me in the least. In fact, I quite enjoy them.

What the fuck?

I mean seriously - that's pretty fucked up. I can watch porn on my own but not with my own husband? What the hell is going on here, brain? (I don't know, Pinky. But I'm going to find out!)
I know it ties into this whole "can't let hubby see who I really am" thing, but I'm not sure exactly how. Is it the puritan ideals I was bombarded with growing up? Is part of me still thinking that porn is something to be ashamed of?

Is it my fear that if he knew what was really going on in my head, he'd think less of me?

Or does it have to do with me being afraid that if we watched porn together and then had sex, he'd actually be fucking one of the women in the film and just using my body to do it with?

I honestly don't know. I know that all of those things go through my head, but I honestly couldn't tell you which is the one that tips the scales.

I couldn't even watch the homemade porn he made of the two of us together! See what I mean? How fucked up is that, if I can't even watch MYSELF?

It's embarassing, just how fucked up I am.