Why?

Why a blog?

Well, to be quite honest, I'm doing this more for me than I am for popularity or entertainment. See, I have this problem.

In my head, I am a nymphomaniacal, sometimes dominating, hotter-than-the-fire-of-a-thousand-suns sex goddess that has my husband on his knees begging for mercy.

In reality... not so much.

Occasionally we've gotten glimpses of that inner sex goddess - but only when I've been heavily impaired by alcohol or marijuana or a combination of the two. (And for the record, I'm of the camp that doesn't believe that a person behaves OUT of character when under the influence. I personally believe that those chemicals - whatever they may be - simply bring things to the surface that the non-impaired person goes to great lengths to conceal. You're seeing the real person - just another side to that person, a side that they normally wouldn't want to reveal. For some people it's violence, for some it's bigotry of one form or another. For me, it's my inner slut.) But in our "normal" sexcapades? No.

Why the hell not? you're probably thinking. And the honest answer is: I don't know. I know that there is nothing wrong with being the slut I picture in my head. I know that there really isn't a "bad" thing about being fully in touch with my sexuality. And yet there is still the fear and shame I feel when I consider actually DOING some of the things I fantasize about.

In some ways, I'm a generation behind my own times, because I was raised by my grandmother. So at home, it was like being in the 60's and early 70's. Euphemisms for everything revolving around sex, sexuality, and reproduction in general, and even then it was hardly ever talked about (example: she was absolutely flabbergasted when she realized I knew what a period was and knew that I'd gotten it). And yet in the outside world, it was the 80's and early 90's. To call me confused was an understatement. And since it was mainly just her and I (my aunts and uncles all scattered to the 4 corners of the country), there was no one else for me to turn to, so I just stayed confused.

But then there's also the fact that, before my grandmother regained custody of me at age 8, I was abused. (It's a long story, but here's the Reader's Digest version: at 18 months old, my grandparents went to court to get custody of me. I lived with them until I was 5, when my grandmother shattered her hip in a motorcycle accident and had to have a full hip replacement; it left her unable to care for herself, much less me. So I went back to live with my parents. Between then and when my grandmother got me back at 8 [by which time my grandparents had also gotten divorced], I suffered major abuse at the hands of my father. Every type of abuse imaginable. By the time I went back to live with my grandmother at 8 years old, the damage had been done.) So yeah, that adds a second level to my issues regarding my sexuality.

And I became sexually active young - way too young, to be completely honest. In no way, shape, or form was I even remotely ready to handle the emotional consequences. Not that I would have admitted it then. I felt like 12 going on 20, mainly due to what I had gone through already. And yeah, I was way more mature than an average 12 year old. But nowhere near ready to make a decision on my own sexual health.

And the last ingredient for the mix, self-esteem issues. For most of my life, I had little to no self-esteem. And you'd be surprised how many aspects of your life are affected by it. My sex life suffered tremendously. It wasn't until I finally started to get myself some self-esteem that I realized just how badly it had been ruining my life. Everything was suddenly better, including our sex life.

I guess this is kind of a self-therapy, if you will.

Because... we've got the Sex Bomb in my Head competing with the Angry Nun in my Head. Think of this blog as a little bit of each, with a little creativity thrown in for good measure. Because it's likely that my posts with rotate between the three. There may be times when it seems like I've got multiple personality disorder or something, the difference is so distinct. But I assure you, it all comes out of my head.

I'm not saying my head is anything close to a sane place, though.

About the creativity... I've been itching to write some more erotica. I wrote and published a few stories years ago, and then it kind of just fell to the wayside. But lately I've been feeling the urge not just to write, but to write specifically erotica, and I figured a blog was as good a place as any to do that.

I suppose it would probably be good for me to give some idea of who I, and we, are. I am 30-something, mother to 4, American ex-pat in the UK, monogamous and faithful to my husband. He is 30-something, father to 2 and stepfather to the other 2, British, monogamous, but previously unfaithful. (He had an affair in '04. We're working through it. It'll never be "done" with, but time has proven to me that I CAN trust him again.) We have been married nearly a decade. We agree on pretty much all of the big things and most of the small things. We're alike in good ways and different in good ways, too. We are not perfect, though, and our relationship does have its ups and downs. Thankfully things always swing back up again, though. :)

I suppose some people would think us boring - monogamous, faithful, heterosexual, white. But that's why we work so well: we both agree on those things. I could never be in an "open" relationship, and neither could he; we're just not built that way. However, having said that, neither do we judge nor condemn people whose sexual lifestyle might be described as "alternative." Polyamorous, queer, whatever... We are not the kind of people that think that what works for us is the ONLY way to go. Um... no. What works for us works for us because we ARE us. What works for other people is going to be different because they ARE different people.

So I guess we're open-minded bores. ;)

I'd also like to go on record here as saying that if you want to comment, please feel free. Dialogue is one of the best ways to get a person thinking and self-examining, and I wholeheartedly welcome it. All I ask is that you be respectful - both of me and of anybody else you might be responding to. Even if you disagree with something - you can disagree with somebody without being an asshole. So let's everybody NOT be assholes and we're all good. 'Kay?

And if I post something you particularly like, telling me that ain't gonna hurt, either. ;)